What is meant for you will reach you, even if it is beneath two mountains. And what is not meant for you will not reach you, even if it is between your two palms. – Imam Al-Ghazali
‘Self-sabotage’ – a word that is so much like the big bad wolf in the self-help, spiritual, and mental-health industry. The modern psychologist villain that needs to be conquered, to be fixed. So if you are on a journey of self-discovery, you might have already stumbled upon this villain that you would like to win over.
Maybe your therapist told you, “You are afraid of success that is why you are never becoming successful.” or you see an instagram guru tell you: “If you are single- ask yourself which part of you is blocking love, ask yourself why are you self-sabotaging yourself in love and relationships.” or a spiritual leader’s youtube video told you: ‘The universe wants to give you everything but your self-sabotage is saying no.’ or you read a book that tells you: ‘Your childhood trauma is making you self-sabotage, hurting yourself in making good relationships.’
The chorus of the whole outside world is: ‘You are broken. You are traumatized. You are something that needs fixing. If you don’t fix this self-sabotage you will never have a meaningful life. ‘
So if you are in your journey, you might be thinking How do I fix this part of me. What can I do? What effort can I put into fixing this part of me, as I had thought once? But what if I were to tell you that maybe self-sabotage is the best thing that is happening to you? You might not see it; as I was also blind to it once. And you might even find this sentence gaslighting. But here is a different view of it. Give it an honest chance.
A story
A mango tree was born in a coconut forest. Everyone around the mango tree didn’t quite like him; he seemed weird, different. They kept telling him why are you different, why are you like this. Maybe something is wrong with you. You should try to be like us – a coconut tree. Now the mango tree was small; but the coconut trees around him were big, tall, lots of trees. And small mango plant, hearing all these voices of big, tall grown-ups around him, thought maybe they are right: ‘Something is wrong with me, I should be like them. I will try my best to be like them.’ So the mango tree; in his innocence, opened himself up and let all the coconut trees in – their ways, their beliefs, their standards of what it means to be “right.”
Now years have passed by. The mango tree has tried his best to be like others. He cuts his small green leaves every time they try to grow up, he tries himself to stretch like the coconut tree, only to fail, and he tries his best to put coconuts in his branches. He has done his best, but he can’t commit to it 100%. He can feel it; a part of him is not fully in it, a part resists, a part of him is afraid, fearful, and uncomfortable, but he still goes on doing this. But every time he tries to put a fake coconut in, it would fall off the moment a strong wind blows. And every time it happens, the big grown-up coconut trees around him shout in chorus: ‘Haha look at you, traumatized tree. You are self-sabotaging yourself; you can’t even put a proper fruit on yourself.’ Hearing this, the mango tree thinks: ‘Yes I did this to myself, a part of me was not fully in it, a part of me didn’t want to put the coconut, I made a mistake again. If only I could have put more effort, if only I could have done more.’ He goes back to his loneliness, cries in bed, and tells himself something is wrong with me. Why am I self-sabotaging myself all the time? But again, he wakes up and starts trying to put fake coconuts. As long as he can remember, he has been doing this all his life, now for decades. So he never really grew up. He tries his best to put up fake coconuts, and a small storm comes and takes them down. He cries in self-condemnation. He again gets up the next morning to try it again. And he always looks at others, asking them – did I put my coconut properly, is this good enough, am I enough to belong with you all.
What would you call this behavior of the mango tree:
A part of him that is resisting putting coconut on his branches – self-sabotage. And do you not see that in you whenever someone condemns you that you are self-sabotaging, you remember the part of you that resisted working or committing to a relationship, and tell yourself – Yes, I am self-sabotaging, and I need to fix myself.
“Of course, the mango tree is fictional, but aren’t we all, a little?”
The Awareness of Self-Sabotage
Maybe you’re working toward a goal: to become something: a businessman, a poet, a singer, a scientist. You set the vision, make the plan, and do all the things the world says you must. But every time you sit down to actually do the work, a part of you resists. A quiet but firm voice inside whispers, “No. I don’t want to do this.” You try to silence it. You fight back. You tell yourself, “I must do this. This is my purpose, my dream, my destiny.” So you push through – half-hearted, half-alive, half-believing. You finish the tasks, but they drain you instead of fulfilling you. Somewhere deep inside, you know something isn’t flowing naturally. You call it procrastination, laziness, resistance, or, as the world labels it, self-sabotage. You label it as self-sabotage the moment you become aware of it.
Or maybe it’s not about work — maybe it’s about love. You notice that you keep attracting the same kind of partners, the same stories repeating in different faces. Each time, you promise yourself: “This time will be different.” But somewhere in the middle, something in you pulls away. You withdraw, create distance, simply stop showing up, or you do something. You can’t explain why. It feels as if a part of you is quietly ruining something good. And when it ends, you look back and say, “I did it again. I ruined it. I’m the problem.”
Slowly, you start to see the pattern: that invisible part of you that always seems to interfere when life starts moving forward. Now you have awareness of it. You call it: I am a traumatized person, I will never find love. No one will stay with me. I am self-sabotaging in relationships.
The Solution Finder: Mind
Now, with a little awareness of self-sabotage, naturally, a question arises: How do I fix this behavior in myself?
Behind this question lie two hidden assumptions. First: that self-sabotage is wrong, so I am the problem. Second: that problems must always be solved, because our scientific, school-trained mind has been conditioned to think that way. From childhood to adulthood, we’ve been taught to fix, correct, and improve. Every problem must have a method, a formula, a solution.
And once you see it as a problem, the next question automatically comes: How do I solve it? This single question, “how to fix myself?” is the foundation of the entire self-help, psychology, spirituality, and mental-health industry. It’s what keeps the whole system running. Your pain becomes a market. Your confusion becomes a product. They use your problem to sell you solutions – books, courses, retreats, therapy sessions, coaching programs, and spiritual packages.
Think of it this way: the mango tree from our story begins asking, “How do I grow proper coconuts?” It goes around to every coconut tree, searching for tips, techniques, and wisdom to fix its self-sabotaging nature. But if you look closely, you can see the absurdity: the solution can never be found outside. Because the problem itself was never what he thought it was.
An Insight
Maybe what you call self-sabotage is not a problem at all. Maybe it is that small, honest voice inside you that is saying, ‘I am not meant to put up fake coconuts. Stop cutting your own leaves. Stop stretching yourself just to look like everyone else.’
So give yourself that chance that your procrastination, your endless failure in work or love, is not a sign of your trauma, or self-sabotage, but the quiet pulse of your truth. The voice that refuses to move when something is false. It says: The work does not belong to you, or this person does not align with your truth. It is not a rebellion, nor laziness, but the quiet voice of intelligence that is saying: Something here is not right.
Then you might ask, Why is it so difficult to see this in my life. Why is it so difficult to even give this thought a chance that I might not be the problem? Why is it terrifying? Because, like the mango tree, you opened yourself too much, too early. In childhood, your boundaries were crossed before you even knew what a boundary was. You absorbed the world without filters. You believed everything the big trees told you – that to be loved, you must be like them or you must be something. And from that moment, the voice of others replaced the voice of your truth.
Maybe someone shamed you for being poor. They laughed at you, demeaned you. And somewhere deep inside, a fire began. I will prove them wrong one day. You call it ambition, drive, purpose. You spend a whole lifetime chasing career, success, money, status, and power. But it is just a wounded child trying to prove: See, I am not poor anymore. I have everything. But that moment of fulfillment never really comes.
Or maybe your father, mother, or someone you loved deeply rejected who you were, your authenticity, your truth. Even worse, they saw what you are: sensitive, alive, different, but still, they told you to stop trying to be yourself. That pain never really disappeared, and now it sits quietly inside you too deeply buried for you to even realize that it is there.
From that moment, you have a strange longing for your parents or lover to accept you, validate you, and say, that I see you, and you are enough as you are. So you have been searching for that same energy, same emotional structure, same person – just in a different body. Hoping that this time it will be different, this time you will be finally seen for who you truly are. You might not even realize you’re doing it. But every time you meet someone who feels familiar – the same emotional pattern, the same way of interacting with you – something in you triggers. You have learned to call it chemistry, passion, destiny, romance, but the truth is that it is a memory of rejection. You chase them, cling to them, give them everything, waiting for that one moment when they will look into your eyes and say, “I see you, I finally see you.”
But that moment never really comes. You blame yourself again: You say, “I ruined it. I pushed them away. I sabotaged another relationship.” You call the part of you that resisted or pulled back self-sabotage.
So give yourself the chance that maybe the part of you that is resisting a career, a relationship, is not trying to destroy you, not trying to sabotage you. It is the part of you trying to show you the truth of who you are, refusing to beg for coconut trees to finally accept you, see you as a mango tree. It is the deeper intelligence in you saying, “Don’t go back there. You’ve been through this before. Stop giving your truth away.” Maybe that is the only real thing that has been on your side all along.
Truth Remains
And what is not meant for you will not reach you, even if it is between your two palms.
To see this is to see that, if you are not meant to be a coconut tree, you can keep on spending years, even decades, trying to prove that you are, but you will find yourself falling back again and again.
What is meant for you will reach you, even if it is beneath two mountains.
And to see this is to realize that no matter how much you resist, no matter how much your mind insists “this is right, this must be it,” truth has its own way of unfolding. If you are meant to be a mango tree, you have to be. You can fight it, deny it, argue with it, but life will keep bringing you home to it.
To see both sides of this is to understand that your truth, your authenticity, who you really are, is not a choice you make. It is something that reveals itself, over and over again, through everything you do. Every career you chase, every person you meet, every failure, every heartbreak: all are ways life keeps pointing you back to yourself. Life will make you suffer, take you to utter loneliness if that is what is needed for you to acknowledge your truth. Because the truth will surface, no matter how much you try to control or hide it. And to see the futility of control, of inner struggle, to beg for validation from others is to relax, to soften, and to be compassionate towards all parts of you that include the part which feels afraid, fearful, resistant, and wounded too.
Awareness
If you read this post again, you’ll notice one single thread running through it all: awareness. The capacity to see yourself and others more clearly. With every step, as your awareness grows, you begin to come closer and closer to your truth.
At first, you were completely unaware. You fought with all your might to be like others, just like the mango tree trying its best to become a coconut tree. 😭😢
Then, a little awareness arose. You began to see that despite all your efforts, you kept failing. You started labeling yourself: problematic, traumatized, not enough. 😟☹️
With a bit more awareness, you began to sense, “Maybe I’m not supposed to be like others. Maybe I’m not the problem.” 🤔🤨
And with deeper awareness came the quiet realization: “Ah… I’m not the problem. I am myself. They are themselves. They are coconut trees, and maybe they have never even seen a mango tree.” 😎😊
Beyond this, I don’t know, and it is not in my experience yet. But one thing is clear: as awareness grows, life itself becomes clearer. You don’t need to force understanding. You don’t need to fix or chase anything. Self-love or self-compassion is a consequence of being more aware in life.
The only real work is to: pay attention to life as it happens, to your feelings, to your thoughts, your emotions, your behavior, moment to moment. In your work, in your relationships, in your daily interactions, everywhere. And slowly, without effort, simply by paying attention, things begin to reveal themselves. Life starts to make sense on its own.
If this writing stirs something in you: be aware of that too; the words are not important, your capacity to see what is happening in you is all that matters.
Sensitive people have always struggled, and the world has always labeled them as problematic, never fitting in. It has always been this way. But to be sensitive is to be alive: to have a part of you so open that life itself breathes through you. There is a reason why many sensitive people feel so close to nature yet so lonely around people. To truly acknowledge your sensitivity is to recognize that you feel connected to nature because nature is as alive as you are. The same life that moves in you moves in trees, in rivers, in plants, and even in people.
Of course, self-sabotage is real, and yes, sometimes you do hurt yourself. There is no denial in that. But there is another side to the story. So if you see yourself failing again and again at something, give yourself the space to consider this: maybe the part of you that keeps “sabotaging” is not your enemy. Maybe it’s the part that is alive, honest, still refusing to betray your truth.
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