“Unearned consciousness is valueless in this life.” – David Deida
You can’t share what you are naturally good at
In my schooling period, I saw many of my fellow peers, struggling so much in mathematics. I would always think how can someone be so bad at it? It is so easy, it is so clear. How can someone struggle with it?
I can never teach someone how to be good at learning and understanding mathematics, because I don’t have a reference point in my life where I am bad at it. For me it is clear as a day, so there is nothing much to teach really. The struggle of others with mathematics is just a knowledge to me, but not a feeling. I can’t truly relate to another person who struggles to understand mathematics.
A seeker or student is someone who is either struggling or suffering in life, or perhaps just searching for a particular skill to develop. Most self-help and spiritual industries are filled with mentors or teachers who are naturally good at something. One day, they decide to share what they are naturally good at, coming from the perspective:
“I know better than others, I am good at life. I am better at this skill. So I am going to teach them how to learn this or live life in a better way.”
For example, someone who is naturally good at public speaking might try to teach public speaking to someone who struggles with it. The first feeling that arises in the teacher is a sense of superiority, while the student feels a sense of inferiority. This happens because the teacher has never truly experienced what it feels like to be scared of speaking in front of a group of people, which fuels their feeling of superiority. When a teacher, mentor, or guru feels superior, it is inevitable that the student or seeker will feel inferior.
This very feeling of superiority in a teacher, mentor, or guru, and the feeling of inferiority in a seeker or student, is the real barrier to growth in life. What a seeker or student truly needs is a teacher, mentor, or guru who sees them as equals and treats them with respect. This is why it doesn’t matter what is being said to you; what matters is how much love and respect it is being said.
The real earning
Gabor Mate is a renowned expert in addiction and childhood trauma. One of the few people I feel alive right now who has a compassionate understanding of people whose lives have been shaped by addictive behaviours and childhood traumas. Once he was speaking publicly to a group of therapists, and one of them asked him
The Therapist: “When I talk with my clients that they have unresolved childhood trauma, and make them aware, they don’t understand or don’t accept.”
Gabor: “How do you feel when they don’t understand?”
The Therapist: “I feel frustrated, that they are not accepting it. They are not open minded enough.”
Gabor: “Think of it this way, when you are saying such a personal thing to another human being, and you show signs of frustration at them, how are they going to feel? Now think, who is close-minded you or your client? If you get frustrated at clients that they don’t understand, then it is you who needs to look within and ask yourself why do I feel frustrated. ”
It is my experience that someone who has truly earned something in life will never look at another person who does not have it with disrespect. He who has truly earned will never see another person who lacks it, suffering in life, with frustration. The very act of disrespect reveals that he disrespects himself somewhere deep within. He still harbours resentment toward himself for not having it in the first place.
You might ask where the sense of disrespect and frustration of a mentor or a teacher toward their students comes from. The mentor or teacher derives their sense of worth from that particular skill set or from having a better experience of life. The mentor feels good about himself because he has this, he has that, he feels this way, he is better than others, and he feels proud of what he has achieved. The only way such mentors derive their worth is by observing how other people are suffering while they are not. If everyone were to stop suffering, these mentors would feel lost, as they would no longer feel worthy, no longer feel like they matter, or that they have achieved something. Because of this, they unconsciously, without realizing it, disrespect their students, as they derive their sense of self-respect from them.
Once, I was talking to a certain mentor about my mental health. During the call, I immediately sensed his prideful tone, trying to put me down and make me feel less worthy. I could feel that he was deriving a subtle pleasure from putting me down and disrespecting me as a person. He did this without even realizing it. At that moment, I knew instantly that he was not the right person for me to continue with.
Real earning, real rise in consciousness, and true inner growth are not what they might seem from an external perspective. It is simply a change in perception. I want to emphasize this again: true inner growth is not growth in the conventional sense, not something you gain, but merely a shift in perspective and perception. This is why someone who has genuinely grown in consciousness or experienced inner growth can never derive worth from it—because worth comes from the belief that you have achieved something. True inner growth means you are still the same person; only your perception of who you are changes. Nothing else, not even a bit, changes.
It becomes impossible to derive worth when you realize it was your perception of life that changed—you have not really changed at all. From this understanding, one becomes truly capable of sharing. A true mentor sees that the student is not a different person but simply themselves at a different level of perception. This reminds me of Osho’s words to his disciples:
“You consider me a guru and see me as something special, it is just your wrong understanding. For me, I am your friend, I am your lover, and I am someone equal to you. I long for a day, and I wait dearly when you see me as your equal, as your friend. ”
Sharing through connection
One evening, I was at a meetup, a kind of party where you can meet and chat with strangers. I was talking to a group of people when my eyes went to someone standing outside the group, alone, looking a bit energetically squeezed. I could sense his indecisiveness and shyness as if he wanted to join the group but didn’t know how to introduce himself. You might wonder how I could sense this. Well, there have been many times in my life when I was that person—standing outside a group, wondering how to start a conversation with strangers.
So, I said to him, “Hey man, how are you?”
He immediately said, “Hey, this is my first time here, and I’m a bit shy.”
I jokingly replied, “I’m also shy.”
We talked for a bit, and then I introduced him to the group and a few others I knew. Soon, he was chatting with people on his own and enjoying the evening.
The best thing about this was, I didn’t feel any judgment towards him. It was not that I was trying to not feel any judgment, I simply didn’t feel it. It is because I also know that on my worst days, I would still be feeling my social anxiety. It was just a good day for me, I was more relaxed and confident that day. My own social anxiety gave me the ability to truly connect and relate with another person even before I said hello.
The connection between two people is important, and this connection is energetic. It is the bond between a mentor, teacher, or guru and a student, where the mentor sees a part of himself in the student, and the student sees a part of himself in the mentor. This bond or connection is the invisible bridge through which sharing inner growth, the consciousness is really possible.
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