Our relationship with fellow humans has the greatest capacity to shape us, transform us. It is because we are interacting with another being that has equal life energy flowing, equally dynamic, with equal capacity.
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nYou can do the highest form of yoga or spiritual practice with another human being. And it is also the fastest way to the truth. – Ram Dass<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Indeed, it might be the fastest way to truth; it has as much potential to be the fastest way to illusion as well. And because the capacity is immense, it means the potential for something beautiful and something very ugly is equal. I am not just talking about romantic relationships, but about every relationship we have with another human being. Certainly, family and romantic relationships are very high-stakes or potent relationships that can affect each of us very deeply. That is why a very deep awareness of relationship is truly, truly needed in life. Without truly understanding and experiencing relationship deeply, we will always feel hollow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is why many times it happens that people rise to the top of the societal game, money, fame, status, yet their own children or partner sees that you are just a terrified child or an abusive bully with these useless societal badges at home. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The first awareness of a relationship is understanding that you are not a static person. You, your body, your mind, and your full nervous system are responding, interacting with life around you on a moment-to-moment basis. Life around you is \u2014 every life, be it food, be it the books you read, movies you watch, the people you talk to, the friendships you keep, the partner you are attracted to, the parents you are living with. Your whole system, without your knowing, reacts, acts, and interacts with wherever you are and whoever you are with, very, very deeply.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Maybe 90% of the self-help is dedicated to dating, relationships, and human interaction. How to form a healthy relationship? Yet what if I say, a healthy relationship is our very nature. That sounds radical, because 90% of self-help, millions of books, thousands of scientific theories, psychologists have been dedicated to this very question. But saying that a healthy relationship is our very nature is like dismissing the struggles we all face in relationships. But it is a slow discovery for me, and there is a lot to discover, but it is the light that I see.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So for me, understanding what a dangerous, toxic, unhealthy relationship is far more important than trying to mimic how healthy relationships look from the outside. For most self-help content out there, a healthy relationship is the opposite of an unhealthy\/toxic relationship. That is why most descriptions of healthy relationships are bland, boring, and non-exciting, and most descriptions of unhealthy relationships are very exciting and magnetic. That is not a healthy relationship anybody should aim for. Who wants a dull life?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That is why the healthy relationship I am trying to point to is indescribable. It is both exciting and boring at the same time. Like you can\u2019t describe life, you can\u2019t describe the mysteries of the universe, you can\u2019t describe a healthy relationship. It is an experience when you are alive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What we can do deeply is understand what an unhealthy, toxic or dangerous relationship is. For this, we have to understand a process called retraumatization. And for this, we have to understand what personality or survival strategy is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In the next section, I have given two common personality types; yet, people are definitely not black and white. They are complex, but this will help you to understand the mechanism of toxic relationship – retraumatization.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Personalities: Survival Strategies<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m going to describe two of the most common survival personalities that often take root in childhood, especially for those who experienced deep hurt early in life. I\u2019ll be describing the more extreme versions of these patterns to make the mechanism clear. In reality, no one is purely one or the other. Most of us carry a mix of traits, and often the very qualities that are our greatest strength might as well be the very qualities that are our greatest liabilities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The two most common such personalities are the Victim and the Bully (or Abuser). We all have these tendencies to some degree; it is all about recognising our imbalances and extremes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Victim<\/strong><\/td> Bully or Abuser<\/strong><\/td><\/tr> People pleasing\u00a0<\/td> Self-pleasing<\/td><\/tr> Selfless<\/td> Selfish<\/td><\/tr> Predominant Emotion: Guilt, Shame, Fear<\/td> Predominant Emotions: Pride, Anger, Lust<\/td><\/tr> Have a submissive nature<\/td> Have a dominant nature<\/td><\/tr> A receptive presence<\/td> An intrusive presence<\/td><\/tr> A very active inner critic\u00a0<\/td> The person is an outer critic – that criticises the outside world mostly.<\/td><\/tr> Very flexible, in life, in their ideas, thoughts, actions, and overall behaviours<\/td> Extremely rigid in their ideas, thoughts, actions, and overall behaviour<\/td><\/tr> Problem with self-expression<\/td> The problem with not knowing when not to express<\/td><\/tr> Life is predominantly lived in inaction or an incapacity to take action<\/td> Life is often lived from incapacity to rest that comes out as action.<\/td><\/tr> Afraid of others, so they spend time alone more<\/td> Afraid of themselves, so they spend most of the time with others<\/td><\/tr> Feels powerless and afraid of power<\/td> Feels powerful and afraid of being weak<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
These two types of victim\/bully are both survival strategies. It is coming from a mindset that what keeps me safe. If you trace it back to childhood, you will find that this extreme personality is how the child survived. This is how relationships are interactive.<\/p>\n\n\n\nFor example, let’s say a childhood relationship between a father and son. Father is a bully. The most common way a child copes with a bullying father is by giving in – playing it safe. Father wants to be pleased; I will please him. Father is dominating, so I will remain passive and submissive so that he can do whatever he wants. Father is powerful, so I will behave as if powerless so that he feels powerful. So a victim personality is formed, and that lingers for the whole life. The most horrible thing is that if one day the victim becomes a father, the most common way his son might respond is by becoming a bully. Father feels powerless; I will behave powerfully. Father is people-pleasing; I will please myself. Father does not tell me what to do; he is passive, so I will do whatever I want. So a bully is formed. So you can see that this can become an infinite cycle, without any stop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What to understand from this example is that both extreme behaviours of the bully and the victim are out of a need to survive when they were young. They survived a childhood or a family by behaving the best way they could to survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Irresistible Attraction<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Now, as adults, we naturally start searching for a romantic partner. Then these personality tendencies start to play a real role in how we feel attracted to another person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For example, take a woman who is a people pleaser. Her nervous system has learned over two decades how to survive by pleasing others. Now her pleasing nervous system can\u2019t regulate itself \u2014 it needs someone to please to survive. Now there is another guy whose nervous system is deeply programmed to please himself only. He too desperately needs someone to please himself to survive. When both meet, the attraction feels magical, magnetic. Both feel wow; finally, I found someone who will validate my existence, who thinks I matter, with whom my whole nervous system can survive. The two nervous systems get activated because, finally, both find a sense of completion. They feel like they complete each other. The people pleaser finally has someone she can please, and the self-pleaser finally has someone he will get pleased with. They do this because they want to survive as they are, as their personalities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now look back at the personality type I described, the victim and bully. When they find each other, it feels magical because finally, both have found a sense of completion, a way to remain who they are without having to change; it feels exciting and crazy. Society has actually labelled this as romantic love, which is far from love. It is a way for two nervous systems to find each other to survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Note: To actually come to this level of attraction itself is a very spiritual thing. Although this brings an immense level of suffering, as you will learn from the retraumatisation phase, interacting with people purely from personalities that are formed in childhood in relation to parents is a great opportunity. People with less awareness only live in societal attraction. They operate entirely by what society tells them is desirable \u2014 what a good-looking woman is, what a good-looking man is, how a real woman should behave and how a real man should behave. They chase the perfect partner according to external standards and believe that if they get a girl who looks good as per societal norms, or a guy who society says is right for them, they will finally feel fulfilled. But when you start to have relationships or recurring patterns that reflect your childhood patterns and survival strategies, it is because you are already starting to operate in life from a deeper awareness. You have a real awareness that \u2018No, what society calls a perfect relationship will never satisfy me, it’s too superficial.\u2019 And awareness is a good thing.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
You can experiment with yourself. If you look at your own life, who you are attracted to, you will most certainly find this need for the nervous system to survive its programming. And mind you, it does not go away because you are married, or you are in a committed relationship or whatsoever. It is your nervous system and its tendencies, and they remain with you for life unless you understand them. The survival-based attraction is something you can\u2019t help; you need it to survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Real Danger: Retraumatization<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
As I said previously, when we interact with another human being, we either go down into deeper ugliness or we rise to beauty. There is no simple – we will be as we are. We will be ok in life. When you interact with another human, you are bound to transform, whether in good ways or bad ways.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Many self-help labels non-transformative relationships that are dull as something stable and healthy. They are not healthy; they are two people who are afraid to look into themselves and engage fully in life. So they settle because a real relationship feels dangerous. A real relationship is always transformative; if it is not, it is not a relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now, let’s look at the real danger in a relationship – the mechanism of retraumatization. This happens when two people unconsciously engage in a relationship. Unconscious is the key here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let’s take the people pleaser woman and the self-pleaser man again. As they start interacting more and more, they start to amplify each other’s personalities. The people pleaser starts pleasing the man, and in turn, the self-pleaser starts extracting from the woman. As this happens, the people pleaser feels like she is only giving, giving, giving, which is draining her energy, her body and her life-force. Energetically, she is becoming hollow, empty, and shrinking. This drains the life out of her, which feels painful in the body, and what once felt like a magical attraction now feels like it’s killing her. And in truth, if you see it, it is actually killing her slowly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At some point, when she asks for something small, something in her survival pattern gets triggered. The man dismisses or ignores it in his self-pleasing way, and suddenly she feels the same powerless shame she felt when her father ignored her needs as a child. That flash of \u201cI\u2019m invisible, I don\u2019t matter, I have to give more to be loved\u201d is the retraumatization. It is not just gradual draining. It is the old wound coming alive again with full force.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So naturally, something in her starts to fight back. It is the man\u2019s fault that she is feeling like this, which is true in one way. Now the man who is a self-pleaser starts to only take, take, take, which makes him energetically obese in a way. It is like he feels he is getting fatter, fatter, by only eating the energy of the other person. He feels very powerful (not really powerful, but he thinks so), very proud, and very big. He gets obese, and she shrinks. But the body, or energy of this man, also starts to feel like it’s killing him because energetically, he is truly getting obese.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When she pulls back or shows her hurt, something in his survival pattern gets triggered, too. Suddenly, he feels the same deep fear of weakness and collapse he felt as a child when he couldn\u2019t control or dominate to feel safe. That flash of \u201cIf I stop taking or demanding, I will be powerless and abandoned, I have to be bigger to survive\u201d is also the retraumatization. It is not just gradual bloating. It is the old wound coming alive again with full force.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And he thinks it is the woman\u2019s fault for his suffering. This loop continues because unconsciousness is driving. The man thinks if only she does this, I will be ok (asking more from her), and she thinks if only I can do this, everything will be ok (asking more from herself). They both feel like they are killing each other, and obviously, they separate because you can\u2019t live in a space that is killing you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You can extend this same pattern to the personality traits I have listed in the victim\/bully table, and you will find that both amplify each other’s personalities, and it kills them slowly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This mechanism of not just re-creating old patterns, but amplifying each other\u2019s old patterns to a point that you feel like dying is retraumatization. And it will kill you energetically if you go into this spiral. This is the real danger in a relationship – that the retraumatization will kill you by amplifying your survival patterns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Once someone goes through this retraumatization and pain, they lose hope. Because they have become certain by going through this cycle and spiral a few times, it will hurt them. So they live in absolute fear of human relationships because they know for certain that if they interact with people they really want to, they will get hurt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So most people try to simply settle because they are afraid. They believe that at least they will not get hurt. But life does not let such people settle, because the patterns are programmed in the nervous system, and it will not go away simply because you decide one day that you will stop trying to relate to others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This stage itself is a progression in awareness. Most people never get truly retraumatized in life to see that they can\u2019t interact with people as they are. This certainty that I am not sufficient as I am to interact with people, this inner conviction that I need to transform in some way towards something healthy itself, is a rise in awareness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nAfter retraumatization, you arrive at a strange and honest place: you no longer know how to be with people, yet you know you cannot live without them. Isolation feels suffocating, but staying as you are in a relationship feels dangerous. You sense that any real connection will either retraumatize you or transform you, and you\u2019re no longer willing to settle for the first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is the threshold Alan Watts pointed to when he said:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nYou can\u2019t transform yourself. You can\u2019t make yourself selfless, sane, and loving. Yet it is absolutely necessary that we transform, yet you can\u2019t do it. It is absolutely necessary that we let go of ourselves, and it can\u2019t be done. – Alan Watts<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
This is where the real spiritual journey begins: the quest for love. You will have to find your own path, as it is unique for each of us. It is unique because it is where society has dropped in you, it is where your parents are dropping within you, all that remains is you. You will have to find your own song. For me, it is through awareness and meditation. For you, it might be music, art, service, silence or something entirely unexpected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The most liberating discovery is this: healing is not about forcing yourself to become someone new. It is about slowly seducing yourself back to your own life-energy, to the song that was always yours. You learn to lead without controlling. To give and receive without keeping score. To show up even when it\u2019s uncomfortable, and to rest without guilt. You have to go into the darkness more attentively and find the song that is yours by birthright. It is messy, yet it is the most alive way to be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Learn the mechanism of re-traumatization that makes you feel like you are dying in relationships that at start felt magical and magnetic. It is the real danger in relationships when lived unconsciously. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"series":[],"class_list":["post-650","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sacreduality.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/650","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sacreduality.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sacreduality.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sacreduality.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sacreduality.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=650"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/sacreduality.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/650\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":651,"href":"https:\/\/sacreduality.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/650\/revisions\/651"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sacreduality.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=650"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sacreduality.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=650"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sacreduality.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=650"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sacreduality.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=650"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}